Ask Chris: Engaged Couples and Physical Intimacy – What’s Too Far?

Proposal ring

For engaged couples, when it comes to physical intimacy, how far is too far?

Well, the obvious answer is, sex is too far. Let’s face it, you are engaged to be married, so why not wait for all the benefits? While married, you now share last names, bank accounts, families, housing, taxes and credit. Most pleasurably, you now have the luxury of sharing the deepest intimate moments with each other, going places that no one else has the ability to experience.

Put it this way: if you are not a virgin, why not allow your future husband or wife to experience something different? THE ABILITY TO DO THINGS THE RIGHT WAY THIS TIME. If your fiance proposed to you, apparently he understood, or seeks to understand, the distinction of being married vs. being single and “playing married.” If you are a virgin, why wait this long just to lose your virginity right before marriage? That is like running a marathon, and taking a detour right before the finish line. Your hard work and endurance was for naught.

Now, what about kissing? This is something that many do not equate to sex, but others do. Personally, I believe that kissing is fine during engagement, but we cannot pretend that many times this leads to touching and other things that should be saved for the marriage bed. So, be very careful when you are permitting yourself to kiss your mate (i.e. French kissing, kissing and feeling), because typically your mind has now gotten much farther than just a kiss. Then, you begin to lust over your mate, and it becomes harder and harder to keep it at just a kiss.

For my brothers: RESPECT THE WISHES OF A WOMAN. If she does not want to go further than a kiss while you are dating/engaged, do not coerce her to settle for anything else other than her high standards. If she is fine with kissing, make sure that you both keep each other accountable in making sure it does not go deeper than what it should.

For my sisters: DO NOT MAKE IT HARD FOR A FELLA! Pay attention to your non-verbals, cues, and even dress. Men are visual creatures, so if you are wearing something that just about every other guy would look twice at when they see you walking down the street (mind you, they did not look at your face first), just imagine what your mate is thinking about, seeing how you chose him to be with, and he has the pleasure to kiss and touch you! Of course it would be tough to subject his thoughts!

Of course, this is all easier said than done. Especially, when you are engaged, and sex has been on your mind for months, but you are trying your best to abstain. In these cases, I would suggest talking to someone who you know would understand (i.e. a married person who went through those same struggles, but can now give you some good advice on how to overcome them), or a good friend who you know you can confide to (OF THE SAME SEX).

Regardless, make sure someone knows your struggle to abstain. If not, you’ll succumb to it, and regret your decision.

Chris Featherstone is a certified Life Coach and Theologian. Submit your “Ask Chris” questions to @chrisprolific, or inbox Chris Featherstone on Facebook. If you want your identity to be anonymous, please inform Chris when you submit your question. Otherwise, you will get public credit for your question.

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