Many people ask me why I decided to devote my life to Jesus. In spite of not always getting what I want. In spite of not being exactly where I would like to be at this point in my life. In spite of not always having a peachy marriage, or people live up to their promises to me. In spite of still failing, when I strive to have a 100% success rate.
Well, it’s quite simple. I cannot live without him.
I have before, and things were much worse. I was miserable, regretting every breath that I breathed, wishing every inhale would be my last. Having no direction in my life, blaming others for my shortcomings. Believing “joy,” “happiness,” “success,” “positivity,” and “purpose” were synonymous with curse words, because I had a different type of experience with them. My life was like broken glass, and I was flailing my arms around cutting others from my personal hurts, longing for peace and tranquility.
Even when times seemed “good,” there was still an emptiness associated with it. My actions to find stability were akin to a hamster running on a wheel. Run hard… fall down… run harder… fall down… give up… jump off… repeat. This was a never-ending cycle, that led to a numbness of my present and a callousness of my future. I was not being the leader that I knew I was called to be. Instead, I was a follower, and constantly felt out of place.
I was depressed, jumping in and out of relationships, looking to them to fill a void that I knew they would not. Only to experience what I knew from the very first moment – UNFULFILLMENT. Others received the reflection of who I saw in the mirror; someone who knew that God had his hands on me, but afraid to embrace, accept, and surrender. As a result, I wasted many years from my life…
SO I THOUGHT.
Redemption is so beautiful.
Then, that day when I came to my senses, captured the realization that I am absolutely nothing without Jesus. Alcohol, pornography, lust, greed, and envy played the role of Jesus for so many years of my life, but led to futility. I accepted the awareness that Jesus is Lord, and He is the answer to all my ongoing questions, all the high I need, and the greatest addiction a person could ever have. There is nothing better. NOTHING. If people looked at my past, compared to my present, they would see how amazing Jesus works.
I was bound, but now I am free. I was depressed, by now I am encouraged. I was cynical, but now I am optimistic. The chains are gone; every bit of them. As a matter of fact, I have a tattoo of that on my arm as a symbol of where I was to where I am now; broken chains, shattered chains. Exchanged for the cross.
Jesus is not one who plays favorites. I made the decision to serve him, and am reaping the benefits of it every day. I am no different than the next person who dealt with similar issues. I do not claim to be better than anyone, but I do serve a God who has the keys to make everyone their best, only if you let him.
Such a therapeutic curiosity. It is an all or nothing journey, and giving my all is the best decision I have ever made in my life.